Progress Ahoy!

First steamboat launches – sailing boat fannboys decry “Ho Hum” – 1807

reginaldholman — Sun, 24 May 2009 21:17:49 +0000

Hallo,

Steam is all the rage in these modern times and its no different on the waters. Robert Fulton’s one of a kind steamboat, The Clermont, set (un)sail (guffaw!) for the first time two fortnights ago on a foggy Tuesday morn.

Spectators were bewildered to see the 130 foot schooner slice through water with nary a breeze. Some claimed Satan himself commanded the ship and willed it to forward with his powers of sin. But quiet down the rabble, for the true heart of the beast is the never before seen, steam powered engine that sits in the belly of the Clermont.

Despite Fulton’s claims that his engine will revolutionize the shipping industry some are not impressed. Says river man Corning Browne, “I am not impressed.” Many rivermen, loyal to the sail, claimed that if they came upon the steamboat they would hurl bobbycots and mulwats at it in hopes to sink it. “Sail is king and will always be king,” trumpeted Hillman Werchester, local sailboat magnate. Well well well. Looks like there’s a new dandy in town and the old boys club is none to happy about it.

Luddites – Pretty well over the bay indeed! – 1811

reginaldholman — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:52:18 +0000

Hallo,

When will they ever learn? Machines will always need people to run. Imagine a world where machines could think and make goods themselves. Ha! Progress Ahoy Luddites.. Progress Ahoy!

Credit to John Macklfish for the on-site rendering.

Dung Be Gone – Horseless Carriage Wha? – 1803

reginaldholman — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:45:48 +0000

Hallo,

Richard Trevithick has finally put his high pressure steam engine to good use. His latest mechanical marvel is a Carriage powered not by horse or Chinaman, but by the power of steam. No specifications are yet available but passengers report the ride is miserable. Trevithick claims this is an early prototype, but thinks the future is in rail travel anyway. “It seems nobody will ever abandon their trusty steed for milling about London. I implore you all to invest heavily in buggy whips”. Sadly there are no plans to export the London Steam Carriage to the new world.

Eli Whitney Mass Layoffs – Overpriced Cotton Gin Purveyor Gets Comeuppance – 1797

reginaldholman — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:39:46 +0000

Hallo,

Whitney’s fledgling company made 32 employees redundant today mauger the undeniable popularity of his contraption. Whitney sites the massive influx of counterfeit cotton gins as the source of his vexation. Making matters worse, tattle abounds that his patent renewal in ought-eight will be a tight scratch indeed.

Maybe you should price them to move, you greedy Ragamuffin!